i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hippo gnu deer
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
