so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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