ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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