Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
