I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
