how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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