I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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