Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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