Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
