dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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