babies were throwing up all over the place
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
