I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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