Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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