Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think a kid would responsible me up
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
