Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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