My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
