when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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