hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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