I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
