Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
