Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
