ugly people sure do ruin things
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
