Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
