Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I want a musical about memes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
