She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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