By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
