I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
