I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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