I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
