if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
