He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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