I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
