if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
