Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
