Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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