What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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