I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
