I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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