It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize