Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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