i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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