I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
