I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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