If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Two words: blizzard sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
