The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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