Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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