so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
