I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize