She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
