It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
