My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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