I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
