I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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