How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
