Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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